When sitting down to a meal with Desis, one will often be asked earnestly and directly about the cut, color and clarity of one’s last bowel movement. Such questions are particularly common at the breakfast table as a means of gaging the dietary dos and don’ts for the coming day.
After an initial assessment, a variety of pastes, spice mixtures, potions and pungent treats will be brought out in a special tin devoted to poop-regulation. The more offensive the taste and odor of a particular mixture, the more likely that one will be finishing The Mahabharata in the bathroom. Desis will be pleased that the potion was successful and will be waiting at the door of the toilet to inquire about the experience and provide more toilet paper.
If shown shock or contempt for questions about bowel movements, Desis will passionately launch into a lengthy explanation about the origins of medicine beginning in India with the science of Ayurveda and the central importance of the intestines to health and life span.
The digestive tract is to Desis what polite conversation about the weather is to the British. General comments about the importance of good digestion can lead to hours of graphic conversation. Whenever one is in need of a conversational filler with a Desi, or wants to show particular concern for the wellbeing of a guest, it is appropriate to inquire about their poop. If one is not able to purchase the requisite poop-regulation paraphernalia, mint tea is an adequate replacement. It is never acceptable to offer a Desi synthetic Western laxatives such as Ex-lax.
Desis 101 